Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Let's just call it a day.

Matt : we don't talk that much ^^" 


^ been on my mind, the entire day. 
That was so true. What the tweet said : 
Boys, be careful of what you said, cause one little thing you mentioned can be on a girl's mind forever. 


I was so depress in French class. I wanted to scream, so much ! I wanted to just leave everything behind, run outside and scream my head off. Hoping that no one could hear me. I'm so frustrated. That line, "we don't talk that much" really hurt me. Like an arrow strike right through my chest and out on my back; breaking my fragile heart into 5 million pieces. I cared about him , so much. Like a brother of course. And his simple little sentence with a fake smiley can cause such a injure to my brain, my heart. 


 ;


What did you mean? If that's what you think , then what was all that before? All the: me meaning a lot to you; loving me no matter what happens ; I'm so important to him, like a little sister. Tell me? You have any explanation to that? Care to tell me? Cause I'm so fucking confused. 


;


I finally realized. Realize how hard is it to really find someone to trust ; to know that someone is being honest with you ; to know what someone really think of you ; to know how much you mean to someone. I've realized that, telling people about your stress, never work that well. They won't understand. Who knows if they care or not, there's really no point of telling. Hurts so much. 


;  on the bright side ... 


Dance club , is going awesome so far . Everything's coming together greatly, like a puzzle piece :) That's one thing to be happy about. 


Then there's Alex , :) best boyfriend I ever had in my life , haha.  


;


January 22nd,  going to China for two weeks. Visiting grandpa, he's sick. I should pray for him , more often i mean. When i get there, i'm gonna have all the fun I can have before I come back to this place. Vacation, that's what it's called. Vacation. 


I need to get away for everything. Two weeks is enough , I think. Hopefully. 
Then for once I'll get away from EVERYTHING, as if my life in Canada never happened. 


End here tonight 
veewang














Monday, November 29, 2010

Too difficult , too hard.

I feel like crying. This entire year, I've been crying more than usual. 


Matt says:
 cause i do bug you la (: 
 well.
 we dont talk that much ^^'
 iunno
 haha
'-                [ VEEWANG ] says:
 sorry , i've been really busy lately .
 get home at like 7 everyday :\
Matt says:
 aha i undersannd (:
'-                [ VEEWANG ] says:
 it prob gon be like that till christmas break starts .
 haha , i think im bugging u , sorry . go clean , i`ll do hmk now .
 later.
Matt says:
 oyu dont bug me..
 aha ok. 
 laters.




this is bugging me,  so much . he said he's trying his best, but I know he's not.
I've been trying to get close to him, really trying. Doing what Mich was asking me to do: Take care of him, be there for him. Just how am I supposed to do that when the door's tightly shut and locked. No other way for me to get in. 


I wanna say goodbye. Permanently, but I can't. I can't let him go, my worries for him grow everyday I don't talk to him. I afraid to grow apart from him cause I'm sort of used to having him around. Now that he mentioned himself, that we don't talk that much. I understood. All those things he said, probably was just trying to be nice. 


Totally forgot I was writing a blog , anyway , i`ll do this tomorrow.
Going to sleep.


Goodnight .


end here. 
veewang

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Didn't mean to , really.

Went to church today,  for the first time in about ... three weeks? I don't know, I don't remember. But I can say that its been a long time. Since I went to church. 


;


Michelle asked me to go to church, told me not to skip anymore. Said that Matt's drifting away from God. When I heard that, I get that she wants me to do something about it. But what? I don't know. I really don't. I want to help and all, but how? I don't know how. I'm the worst at these sort of stuff. I wanted to help, I wanted to, bad. 





My landlord's outside my room right now, talking to my mom. I wonder what she's telling her. Part of me wants to know, part of me don't. I'm scared that it's something bad, scared to get yell at later. I don't want to live here anymore, bad mistake. They scare me, especially the lady. She's those type where she looks so innocent and nice, but inside we all know that she's evil and mean. If you know what I mean. I mean, we're human. We have friends, I'm sorry for the fact that you don't have any friends, but we do. You rented the house to us, you just have to suck it up ! I wish she could see this. 


They left. I don't think it was a bad thing, since I heard my sister laugh and my mom's not yelling. Phew? 


;


Made eye contact with him today. Wasn't planning to. Didn't want to. But it happened. God's plan? Who knows. But we made eye contact, the only thing he said to me today was :"终于来啦?" 我点了点头、笑着对他说 : "嗯、 系啊" 然后走掉了、 didn't bother saying anything else to him. 


Later when Sunday school finished, I had to go. His brother said 'bye' to me. I replied, grabbed my coat and walked away. He was there. Not a word from him. At all. I didn't say anything either. Didn't want to make eye contact with him, cause when I see him, everything will start coming to me. What mich said, what Sarah told me, everything between us. I still need to learn to face him. I felt bad after, for ignoring him. What is he thinking now? About what happened. Maybe he doesn't even care about me. Who knows what kind of person he really is. After seeing Jake ... 




It’s funny how you think you actually mean something to someone, and they just turn around and prove you wrong.





end here today... 
veewang

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Over thinking much ?

it's officially Sunday morning .
12: 22 am. 


whatta tiring and long day. 
8 30 - 12 30 : chinese class 
1 - 5 55 - kristine's house   , simms (A) 
then , 6 - 10pm , spent it at school for the drama play . last presentation ! :O 
man i was falling asleep .


then went to macdonal and got home at bout 11 oclock .
lol , sigh. 


Recently I've been thinking about , how to be a good girlfriend o_o 
I don't know why , but there really is a reason to think through it .
I mean, what does a girlfriend do? 
I feel like, i'm always the one making the first move .
Well , sorta.  I hold his hands first at most times , um . 
and other stuff, when i look at S&A
I don't see myself like them. 
so close , and looks like they can talk just about anything ,
and when i see alex and i , it's sort of ... weird .
Like , out of place.  I don't know , maybe i'm just over thinking :\


I always over think about things . Homework or relationships .
I think about ' what ifs ' all the time .
and always makes myself cry in the end, cause everything always leads back to dad. 


Omg, here i go again .
Over thinking. 
now, i think about how shy and embarassed i get when i'm around alex D: 
and , how i don't think i suit him at all .
kind of a dream to have him be my boyfriend .
Wondering how long we could last .
how long I can have him .


how things are going to end in the end ... 


Sometimes in fairy tales, there are exception to things.

end here . 
veewang 

Friday, November 26, 2010

La la .

Sigh , it's been a buuuuuuusy week :o
stage crew for the eeeentire week .
rehearsals and shows for <twinderella> 
I practically know all the lines -____- 
sigh sigh . 
LOL , made a lot of new friends ! 
haven't made this many friends in a long time :D
they're hilaaaarious man .  how awesome .
i wanna join drama in spring (A) 


Mango has a new crush .
her name's lily :)
he said , she's nice and according to michelle , she's really quiet and shy .
but she's been talking to matt lately .
matt said , she skipped class with matt cause she was worried about him and jake. 


happy for him , really am :) 
just hope that she won't hurt him , like the way i did :\ 


Got new phone  ! 
Nokia E63.   smart phone ! 
so sick  .
 lOL , it's an aweosme phone ! 
looks like a blackberry eh .




HAHAHAHAHHA , this is geeenius ! v



i wished one 11 11 :) 
i wished for , so many stuff.  i felt so greedy (A) 
1. Avocado to grow taller, less awkard, less pimples (A) and , stay with me forever <3 :P 
2. for ME to grow taller (A) 
TEHE .

Chinese class tomorrow, so i better sleep early :) 
good night .

End Here
Veewang

Sunday, November 21, 2010

moorning .

hmm , gotta go to school today . 
<Twinderella> play rehearsal .
gotta be there to help out .
I'd actually rather be IN the play :P 
spring , i`ll go audition. 
This is the closest i can get to drama right now , and i feel lucky that michelle would let me have this opportunity.
Actually , I wanna do music much more than this , I knew I was gonna regret not joining music.
and , i do.  REALLY BAD. 

you have no idea how much i wanna play viola right now .
): 
it was like , my life.  I felt so good when i was playing that instrument, when i have enough money,  i wanna buy a viola , and play all i want (A)  self learn at home , 
i kinda regret quitting piano too  , but meeh . whateves. 
If my teacher was better , i would've stayed . But she was too harsh , made me wanted to quit :\ 
so fxcked it :P 

endhere, 
Veewang <3 

It's sad to see two close people not recognize each other. Not because they grew up, but because they grew apart.

formspring.me

la la , feel free to ask or tell me anything (: http://formspring.me/mablueeteddy

Saturday, November 20, 2010

nov 20 , mommy's bday

mommy's birthday went alright today .
got new belts , and shiez .

so hungry .



had midterm exam for chinese school today .it was ok , wasn't hard. 
but i know i forgot a lot of chinese stuff D: 
and in january , when im going to china , i`ll be missing exam D: 
damn it , i gotta talk to the principal :O . 



hm , when bro said that he was with a girl , 
i felt something , not sure what it was .
i don't think it was anything like what i think it was . 
maybe i'm just afraid that he`ll get hurt . 
like how i hurted him , and how sarah had too .
;


I think i worry about people too much , 
is that a good thing ? or a bad thing .. 
hmmmm . 
i wonder if that ever annoys people .
even though im pretty sure it annoyed a gaw for a while 
they say that i worry about people so much , i don't even think about myself anymore .
h m  , is taht true ? i kinda notices that , 
but is that good or bad? o____o 
;


fisnihed my health project , finally ! 
omg , room was a mess ! 


ahah , :P 
;


i learned something new bout a Gaw today .. 
the story of her ex , who passed away .
Drowned . 
who really loved matt .
After reading that , i really don't know how to treat matt .. 



Michelle says:
 so sam
 and matt
 used to date
 and
 like
 omg :/
 on the day
 she went away..
 she found out why matt broke up with her.
 and she was gonna tell matt
 she still feels the same.
 like
 cause
 matt
 was her first
 and one memory
 that sticks to me
 was
 the first dance she had.
 so
 she diddnt really go to dances before
 so she dressed up
 lik
 crazy
 like semi formal
 wen its just a event
 and
 liike
 matt saw this
 lol
 and matt was liike o.o wahh o.o
 but (:
 at lunch
 cause sam was feeling weird
 matt went to my house
 and like
 i dressed him up
 made him look so nice  
 and like
 before the dance started( :
 matt went to her homeform
 casue
 there were like girls making fun of her
 like why are you wearing a dress you slut
 then mattt went upstairs
 and like he gave her flowers (:
 and like sam hugged him for like
 10 minutes straight (:
 then she like kissed him on the cheek (:
 and like then all the other ppl
 just was like ommg <3
 and like matt broke up with her
 because
 her parents
 really
 disapproved
 they would kick her out of the hosue
 and sometimes hit her
 matt found out like one time walking to her house
 and he broke up with her despite the feelings he had
 andd like sam didnt even know :/
 and that wasfine to matt.
 but on the day she died..
 i told her.
 saying you should ask matt
 and she was so happy..
Michelle says:
 cuz.
 the first time they got to know each other
 matt and sam likes to walk in teh rain
 one time
 matt saw her.
 and it was raining harder and harder
 he put the umbrella over her head and was like youll catch a cold if you sit here all day. comon ill walk yu home

why the more i know about you , the weirder i feel .
reading this , makes me feel so guilty ..
of what i did to you .
I feel so selfish ,  why did i do that.
I can't look at anyone else right now , but matt .
this is unfair to alex , i love him but 
right now , i want to focus on matt.
I`m not planning to tell alex this , cause this'll be over soon , and it' ll be like before 
i don'twant to ruin anything .

The guilt just keeps building , i wanna be there for him right now .
I don't even care about stage crew , i wanna go to church tomorrow and talk to him :\
I kinda miss him , haven't seen him in a long time . 
This may be just sympathy im having towards him but , 
i'm really trying my best to just think of him as a brother .
Tryin' my hardest .
;

im so thankful to have michelle with me ,
telling me all these things about Matt .
Sam ..  
and the others , who died 
I wanna make a promise to matt , 
that i'll never leave him , never like the others .
Cause i wanna be there for him . 
Through everything , 
cause i love him , in a brotherly way .
no matter what i wanna stick with him , and mich. 
the dream of wanting to live with them is growing stronger the more i talk about this .

;

great , now they got into a fight , matt blocked her .
damn it , this is so sigh .
LOL  , 


Alex , i love him .
i really do , 
and im really thankful to have him with me .

i feel like , i didn't get to know matt when we were dating .
i practically knew nothing about him , whatsoever. 
and it was after we broke up  ,that i started to learn more and more about him .

i need something , something to keep my love for alex . 
a book , relate alex to a book's character .
somehow , that's it.
i`ll think of Peeta as alex , and me as Katniss .. lol , thats sad .
or Damen and Ever
or Stefan and Elena 
or .. idk . 

hm  , alex
he may not be the best looking guy , but i like his personality .
he's ok looking , lol .
he looks pretty akward at most times.
i just dont like the fact that his mustache is pretty visible :P 

' that's what sisters are for  ' 
:) 
that sentence gave me a bitter-sweet feeling . 
I think i got so used to having someone to tell me things about my bf .
i dont know how to get used to my new bf .
crap , this is bad .
this whole thing with matt , is making me D: 

kay, this is what you do vee .
flash back , to the times when you felt terrible about sarah and matt .
matt doesn' t belong to you that way , 
God just want us to be friends , close friends but not more than friends .

But , Alex is a challenge that God had given , also a chance for me 
he may or may no tbe the one . But i`ll see how long we can last .
I can last for a long time , if i want to . 
mainly cause i dont know how to break up with someone , 
but idont wanna break up with alex .

ok  i needa stop typing .
blog tmrw 

Ends here . 
veewang . <3               night 










Friday, November 19, 2010

holycrap .

it is ... 1 23 in da morning .
november 20 ! 
mommy's birthday 
;
shout out to my mom , happy birthday mommy ! :) <3 
love you so much , even though you pms too much , tehe ! 
;
so many hmk , 3 projects man .
killin' me :'( 
omg , got my report card back yesterday ,
it was alright , but i can do better :) 
well,  i have spaces to improve so .
GAMBADE VEE >:) 
teehee ; 

i`m so happy about what matt said to me : 
 20/11/2010 AM 12:51:08 Matt '- [ VEEWANG ] aha
 20/11/2010 AM 12:51:09 Matt '- [ VEEWANG ] (:
 20/11/2010 AM 12:51:11 Matt '- [ VEEWANG ] ah venisha
20/11/2010 AM 12:51:12 Matt '- [ VEEWANG ] (:
 20/11/2010 AM 12:51:14 Matt '- [ VEEWANG ] this reminds me 
 20/11/2010 AM 12:51:22 Matt '- [ VEEWANG ] im gonna try MY best :D
 20/11/2010 AM 12:51:24 '- [ VEEWANG ] Matt hmm ? 
20/11/2010 AM 12:51:26 Matt '- [ VEEWANG ] to not say like
 20/11/2010 AM 12:51:29 Matt '- [ VEEWANG ] mo yay. 
 20/11/2010 AM 12:51:32 Matt '- [ VEEWANG ] or its nothing.
 20/11/2010 AM 12:51:34 Matt '- [ VEEWANG ] or dont worry
 20/11/2010 AM 12:51:35 Matt '- [ VEEWANG ] ill
 20/11/2010 AM 12:51:36 '- [ VEEWANG ] Matt LOOOOOL . 
 20/11/2010 AM 12:51:39 Matt '- [ VEEWANG ] be straight up with you! 
 20/11/2010 AM 12:51:45 Matt '- [ VEEWANG ] Ok?(:
 20/11/2010 AM 12:51:45 '- [ VEEWANG ] Matt - APPLAUSE - 
20/11/2010 AM 12:51:50 Matt '- [ VEEWANG ] LOL THANKYOU :D
 20/11/2010 AM 12:51:54 '- [ VEEWANG ] Matt Okaay :) 
 20/11/2010 AM 12:51:55 Matt '- [ VEEWANG ] i was hoping for a prize..
 20/11/2010 AM 12:51:57 '- [ VEEWANG ] Matt awwesome . 
 20/11/2010 AM 12:51:58 Matt '- [ VEEWANG ] or a reward..
 20/11/2010 AM 12:52:00 '- [ VEEWANG ] Matt LMFAO . 
 20/11/2010 AM 12:52:03 Matt '- [ VEEWANG ] (:

^ damn , didn't come the way i wanted it but :) 
so prouuuuud :) finally ! 
needa tell this story too ! 
so glad that i met him , even though the times i went through with him
was sorta bumpy , haha XD 
another long story , 
but now , it's all good :)
he`s like an older brother i never had , and i am so grateful to have him as a 结拜兄妹 (A) 
love him so much :) 
highschool started , and i've already experienced so many so many things .
;
broken up with a jerk i liked a lot because he thought it was awkward between us , it was only a day long dude -______- suck it up princess , whateve . we're friends now :) so  .. bleh .
when i thought i couldn't trust anyone else , [he]came along <3  made my world so much brighter . He's so sweet and was always there for me . even though i had doubts , if i were annoying him or anything . tell him too many stuff, wasn't sure bout his feelings but , now . 
i`m sure :)   love him so much , cause he's now my bf (A) 
got stalked by a grade 11 D: telling people he likes me , omg i was so scared . 
i heard he smokes pot . ohcrap .
but he doesn't even bother talking to me anymore, so .. bleh (A) 
^ another long story , i have so many stories to tell . 
remind myself to blog them :) 
experiencing difficulties with mom bout dating someone -_____- ,  sighsigh .
dance club , commiting to a club is really hard. but i'm determined >:) 
stagecrew , it's fun but confusing :O but i get to concerts and shows for free , so why not :P tehe .
almost losing someone , who was so so so so so so so so so 
important to me !  <3 but she's fine now 
^ another long story , 
REMEMBER TO BLOG THAT ! - nts .

and so much more , these are just the highlights so far :) 
i`ll make another soon ! 

even though there are so many ups and downs in highschool , but i am determined to go through it no matter what happens . Cause i believe God is with me, at all time . He is real. 
He is the way , the truth and the life <3 :) 
I love God . 
with all my heart !