Thursday, December 16, 2010

crying . ; end of 2010

This year had been the craziest year I've had so far in Canada.
So many things happened, ups and downs. 
又哭又笑、
made so many new friends, 
some stayed some left .

Thinking back, there were so many stupid things, and so many good memories. 

beginning of this year : 
I was still dating "mango" . That was ... I don't know what to say bout it. But I'm glad I met him. Sort of, he brought a lot of joy into my life but yet so many pains. Right now, the relationship we share is even more complicated and painful than anything I had ever experienced with a friend. Not just him, Michelle and Sarah too. 

Michelle, I don't know her last name ; I don't know how she look like ; I don't know how tall she is ; I don't know a lot of things about her. Why? Cause I have never met her in my life. We only talked on msn, that's it , but I felt so close with her. But now , lol the things she say really do kill me. 

;

这位小姐 、 把我弄哭了 ):
写了这么感动的东西在她的blog上、 
读了她的blog之后、很多以前在马来西亚的记忆都在脑海你像一部电影一样浮现,
good or bad, they're all precious memories to me . 
我真的很想念在马来西亚的每一个朋友,想到快疯了。
很开心在这3年来都有跟你联络! :)
很感谢你们让我在马来西亚留了这么多美好的时光,
还记得在我离开之前、你们都到我家来了。家里真的爆满哦 :O 不过很高兴你们都来了,
believe it or not, i'm crying while writing this blog right now. 
cause i miss you all so much !
especially, yuan ru and mei shuang <3 你们是我最好的朋友、虽然现在因为时差的关系我们都很少聊了、不过没关系、留言就好啦 (Y)! XD
不知道还要写什么、因为我对 你们的想念和爱cannot be put in words. Because I love you that much <3 
如果有天想来加拿大度假的话、随时欢迎!我当你们的导游 ;) 劝你夏天来 !冬天也行啦、带你们去滑雪 :) 
我快疯了!好想你们。越写越想哭 。。
don't know what it would be like if i never came to canada :O

Because we're friends and practically sisters, we stick together until the end <3 i love you !

;
;
;


我记得今年marchbreak 好像、 我跟他聊了。 聊的很开、但是later, 我其实不知道他说的话那句是真的、那句是假的。也许他所说的一切只是想哄我开心。 也许吧 ... 以前有喜欢过他 但是以前的我知道我几乎一点机会都没有 所以从来没想过跟他说’我喜欢你‘  算了吧。 at least, He made me feel special for a week or so, 那段时间、很开心, 你让我天天在学校都挂这张开心的笑脸, not the fake ones i wear now. but real, 很真 很开心的微笑过。 不过现在、We drifted apart. you have a girlfriend, i think. & I have a boyfriend. Happily ever after? 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Summer , that was some horrible time i had to go through if we're talking about [mango] , :\   我们差一点又开始交往了、那时候已经分手了大概6个月了。不过开学之后,不知道发生什么事、他忽然不理我。 我们也就慢慢的疏远了。他对michelle说、他对我有感觉【那时候】但是我跟他都明白、如果我们真的又在一起 我们之间会有很多问题。 他和我都在不同学校、所以很难见到对方。 而且见面地方又只有教会、 会很麻烦, 很多问题。 

watching [Suite life on deck] <3 :) 

End here tonight ,
veewang

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

what about me?

 12/12/2010 PM 9:30:37 Michelle '- [ VEEWANG ] like yet he still likes her 
12/12/2010 PM 9:30:39 Michelle '- [ VEEWANG ] like i think 
12/12/2010 PM 9:30:40 Michelle '- [ VEEWANG ] its cause 
 12/12/2010 PM 9:30:43 Michelle '- [ VEEWANG ] matt was. 
 12/12/2010 PM 9:30:48 Michelle '- [ VEEWANG ] really lost nce sam left.. 
12/12/2010 PM 9:31:00 Michelle '- [ VEEWANG ] but because like not much ppl knew 12/12/2010 PM 9:31:07 Michelle '- [ VEEWANG ] no one couldve helped 
 12/12/2010 PM 9:31:13 Michelle '- [ VEEWANG ] and those who knew blamed him 12/12/2010 PM 9:31:18 Michelle '- [ VEEWANG ] cept like some like sarah 
 12/12/2010 PM 9:34:08 '- [ VEEWANG ] Michelle D: 
 12/12/2010 PM 9:34:09 '- [ VEEWANG ] Michelle aw . 
 12/12/2010 PM 9:35:09 '- [ VEEWANG ] Michelle sorry , i'm kind of .. tired right now ^^" i'll brb real quick .


That really really kills me. When I saw that, my heart dropped along with the tears that had been rolling in the corner of my eyes. Pain aching in my heart, none stop. It's hard to bare the pain, feels worse than having my back stabbed with a knife. 


What about me? I was there for him, at least I was trying to. Did I do something wrong? I don't know, but I care. I really do. I don't remember blaming him for the death of Sam, I... 
I give up, I give up now. I'm not gonna try anymore, now that he has Sarah and Michelle, he won't need me anymore. He said it himself: " we don't talk that much. " So what's the point? 


I don't know how to explain my feelings right now. I'm angry, for what? Them not recognizing what I've been trying to do for him? ; I'm sad, for the same reason ; I'm confused, what did I do wrong? I was there for him, wasn't I? I don't know, I don't know, I don't know ... 


Later that conversation, I thought over everything. Was I too forceful? Was I always trying to force him to tell me everything? I think I was. He probably found me really annoying by then. He was probably lying to me. About me not bothering him ' at all '. Yea, totally not. 


My mind's been set. Avoiding tell people about my feelings. About what happened to me. Even if I'm sad, and decided to tell them, i'm not mentioning any name or some sort of. Briefly describe it, that's my plan. But it's been really painful, not talking about it. Controlling myself and constantly telling myself : Keep it in, keep it in, keep it in ... I can do it. It kills, so much inside, the pain comes back and goes away - repeats. 


Today, during math. I finally had my mind off everything , and focused on math. Liyan flipped to my math book page and asked if i wrote that - some sort of writing on the cover - i took a look , i did write it. I read over it, and it said : God, please save ____ and be with ____ please, i beg you. And everything came back. I isolated myself from everyone else, next thing I knew, my head was resting on my forearms, crossed on the table. Starring at the equations, I told myself again and again: Keep it in, forget about it. I finally look up from the desk and continued to work. Later on, I don't know what Karen and them were talking about but, they kept repeating: MANGO ... MANGO ... MANGO ... I was like , are you kidding me ... ? Are you serious with me God? 


you`ll tell him but you won't tell me. what is this now? I give up. 
I'm gonna isolate myself from you guys. 
I'm not gonna try to force you guys to tell me anything, 
your choice, i'm gonna act like i don't care.
because '' i don't '' 
i'm tired, fake a smile and it'll be ok. 


Because I like to lie to you. 
Because I cant trust anyone anymore.
Because I feel like a fool
Because I'm not the used-to-me anymore.
Because I've grown from my mistakes.
Because I love you guys too much, I've became stupid. Thought that you guys feel the same way, guess I was stupid. It was all just me. 
Because I hate everything and want to start all over. 


What about me? ... 




End here. 
Veewang

Thursday, December 2, 2010

how to be a goodfriend? :\

Not a very bad day, but not the best either. 
Alex and I, we're so close. I love how we cuddle so often. He'll puts his arms around my waist and holds me close. I really like that. 
I don't know if it was just me, but we had a moment at lunch. Almost kissed? I don't know. Our nose touched, that's it. It didn't last long. I kind of got nervous and hugged him instead. I don't know how to kiss someone. It's been a long time since I last kiss someone. 3 years ago? When I was leaving my dad to come to Canada ... Last kiss I had with him , last time I ever got to see him. How depressing huh? 


;


Tearing up. Stopping those tears, trying my best. They're just spinning in my eyes, not coming down any sooner. Not letting them. Because I'm strong. At least trying to be. 


;


I'm not a very good girlfriend. At least I don't think so. I don't know how to be a good girlfriend. I never had a 'REAL' relationship before Alex. that movie double date, was the VERY FIRST date I ever went on. Quite embarrassing huh? I know. I really don' t know how to act like the perfect girlfriend. Sigh.  Story of my life.


;


She was pmsing again. Came into the room trying to find something to argue about.
Wow, just had a deja vu on typing a blog. How weird. I have so many deja vus you have no idea.





Archery tomorrow for gym, I can't wait. I can be like Katniss :D shooting the aarow into a target. I can pretend I'm in the arena or the woods she hunts in beside district 12. Hunting for the careers or a rabbit in the woods. Imagine myself. I can do that, at least i try. I know I can. I wish i was katniss, able to shoot at anything. I wish i could just buy a real bow and shoot around in the woods. That oughta be fun, right? 


;


in depression ...  


end here tonight ... 
veewang