12/12/2010 PM 9:30:39 Michelle '- [ VEEWANG ] like i think
12/12/2010 PM 9:30:40 Michelle '- [ VEEWANG ] its cause
12/12/2010 PM 9:30:43 Michelle '- [ VEEWANG ] matt was.
12/12/2010 PM 9:30:48 Michelle '- [ VEEWANG ] really lost nce sam left..
12/12/2010 PM 9:31:00 Michelle '- [ VEEWANG ] but because like not much ppl knew 12/12/2010 PM 9:31:07 Michelle '- [ VEEWANG ] no one couldve helped
12/12/2010 PM 9:31:13 Michelle '- [ VEEWANG ] and those who knew blamed him 12/12/2010 PM 9:31:18 Michelle '- [ VEEWANG ] cept like some like sarah
12/12/2010 PM 9:34:08 '- [ VEEWANG ] Michelle D:
12/12/2010 PM 9:34:09 '- [ VEEWANG ] Michelle aw .
12/12/2010 PM 9:35:09 '- [ VEEWANG ] Michelle sorry , i'm kind of .. tired right now ^^" i'll brb real quick .
That really really kills me. When I saw that, my heart dropped along with the tears that had been rolling in the corner of my eyes. Pain aching in my heart, none stop. It's hard to bare the pain, feels worse than having my back stabbed with a knife.
What about me? I was there for him, at least I was trying to. Did I do something wrong? I don't know, but I care. I really do. I don't remember blaming him for the death of Sam, I...
I give up, I give up now. I'm not gonna try anymore, now that he has Sarah and Michelle, he won't need me anymore. He said it himself: " we don't talk that much. " So what's the point?
I don't know how to explain my feelings right now. I'm angry, for what? Them not recognizing what I've been trying to do for him? ; I'm sad, for the same reason ; I'm confused, what did I do wrong? I was there for him, wasn't I? I don't know, I don't know, I don't know ...
Later that conversation, I thought over everything. Was I too forceful? Was I always trying to force him to tell me everything? I think I was. He probably found me really annoying by then. He was probably lying to me. About me not bothering him ' at all '. Yea, totally not.
My mind's been set. Avoiding tell people about my feelings. About what happened to me. Even if I'm sad, and decided to tell them, i'm not mentioning any name or some sort of. Briefly describe it, that's my plan. But it's been really painful, not talking about it. Controlling myself and constantly telling myself : Keep it in, keep it in, keep it in ... I can do it. It kills, so much inside, the pain comes back and goes away - repeats.
Today, during math. I finally had my mind off everything , and focused on math. Liyan flipped to my math book page and asked if i wrote that - some sort of writing on the cover - i took a look , i did write it. I read over it, and it said : God, please save ____ and be with ____ please, i beg you. And everything came back. I isolated myself from everyone else, next thing I knew, my head was resting on my forearms, crossed on the table. Starring at the equations, I told myself again and again: Keep it in, forget about it. I finally look up from the desk and continued to work. Later on, I don't know what Karen and them were talking about but, they kept repeating: MANGO ... MANGO ... MANGO ... I was like , are you kidding me ... ? Are you serious with me God?
you`ll tell him but you won't tell me. what is this now? I give up.
I'm gonna isolate myself from you guys.
I'm not gonna try to force you guys to tell me anything,
your choice, i'm gonna act like i don't care.
because '' i don't ''
i'm tired, fake a smile and it'll be ok.
Because I like to lie to you.
Because I cant trust anyone anymore.
Because I feel like a fool
Because I'm not the used-to-me anymore.
Because I've grown from my mistakes.
Because I love you guys too much, I've became stupid. Thought that you guys feel the same way, guess I was stupid. It was all just me.
Because I hate everything and want to start all over.
What about me? ...
End here.
Veewang
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