Headache

It's still raining today. those raindrops falling to the ground are making me more depressed than I already am.
  I gave him a cold shoulder today. Less than 20 words. He wanted to get alone with me, asked me to take a walk with him, I made up an excuse and stayed with the crowd of friends.
   The only person I could talk to is probably Sarah. I dialed her cell.
  "I gave him a cold shoulder today,"I took a deep breath and continued,"less than 20 words. He probably don't even know i'm mad at him. Maybe he has some idea, but probably doesn't know why."
 Pause.
  "You alright? You guys are two different person. You should talk to him about it. He seriously need to understand you more." I can tell she's worried."Want me to talk to him?"
  "No."I said without a doubt. "Don't. I don't know actually. What are you gonna say?"
  "Whatever you want me to say." but I don't know what to say.
  "No, Don't. I don't know what I want," there was a long pause. "I don't know what I'm afraid of..."I do.We both know.
  "Losing Vee, you're afraid of losing him."
  I am, and I know. I lost my dad --the one who was there for me the most, and left the earliest-- I miss him. I lost so many people I didn't want to. I lost my friends in Malaysia, lost my dad, lost him. I don't know what to do. I'm stuck. Clueless. My brain is thinking so hard it feels like it's about to crack open and explode like a dynamite. I don't know what ''Love'' is. I didn't have a complete family. It was all about fighting and arguing ever since i was small. From watching them do that, to learning and end up fighting everyday with my sister. I attend to block and blur out all the images I dislike. Try best to look at the positive things. How am I supposed to know what Love is like when two people who i thought were in love brought me to this world, fight, argue and scream almost everyday at each other? I don't. Even worse, the one closer to me left me as early as when I was 10.
  "Vee?"
  "I'll call you back."
  "K. Call if need anything. Seriously, anything. k?"
  "Don't worry, i'll be fine."
  I don't know what to do.
  Is he really gonna break up with me, just because we don't spend enough time with each other? Will I regret it later?
 
I'll think ...
Later.