Headache

It's still raining today. those raindrops falling to the ground are making me more depressed than I already am.
  I gave him a cold shoulder today. Less than 20 words. He wanted to get alone with me, asked me to take a walk with him, I made up an excuse and stayed with the crowd of friends.
   The only person I could talk to is probably Sarah. I dialed her cell.
  "I gave him a cold shoulder today,"I took a deep breath and continued,"less than 20 words. He probably don't even know i'm mad at him. Maybe he has some idea, but probably doesn't know why."
 Pause.
  "You alright? You guys are two different person. You should talk to him about it. He seriously need to understand you more." I can tell she's worried."Want me to talk to him?"
  "No."I said without a doubt. "Don't. I don't know actually. What are you gonna say?"
  "Whatever you want me to say." but I don't know what to say.
  "No, Don't. I don't know what I want," there was a long pause. "I don't know what I'm afraid of..."I do.We both know.
  "Losing Vee, you're afraid of losing him."
  I am, and I know. I lost my dad --the one who was there for me the most, and left the earliest-- I miss him. I lost so many people I didn't want to. I lost my friends in Malaysia, lost my dad, lost him. I don't know what to do. I'm stuck. Clueless. My brain is thinking so hard it feels like it's about to crack open and explode like a dynamite. I don't know what ''Love'' is. I didn't have a complete family. It was all about fighting and arguing ever since i was small. From watching them do that, to learning and end up fighting everyday with my sister. I attend to block and blur out all the images I dislike. Try best to look at the positive things. How am I supposed to know what Love is like when two people who i thought were in love brought me to this world, fight, argue and scream almost everyday at each other? I don't. Even worse, the one closer to me left me as early as when I was 10.
  "Vee?"
  "I'll call you back."
  "K. Call if need anything. Seriously, anything. k?"
  "Don't worry, i'll be fine."
  I don't know what to do.
  Is he really gonna break up with me, just because we don't spend enough time with each other? Will I regret it later?
 
I'll think ...
Later.

March 4th , been raining the whole day.

"How's... jake?''
i know i'm not supposed to be asking this but, sometimes, curiosity brings me to places i don't want to go, and it's not like I can control it. Okay, maybe I can. But still. Like checking lex's twitter 24/7 can make myself feel so much better.
"oh! Everything's better!"He said with a smile. Been a while."Not perfect. You skipped a lot, hun."still smiling.
"hey, i got tired of asking cause no one tells me anything," replied with a smile. Fake one. He laughed."Or, it could be that you're always so busy."
His smile is starting to annoy me.
"Less likely."
"Well going to HongKong and not telling me is sort of big news."
I thought we went over this.
"I wish i went to hongkong, i went somewhere Really close to hongkong."
He's still smiling.
"Have fun?"
"yea sure, just take out the parts where I was sick and dizzy. Then threw up 3 times on the plane. other than that, great times !"
Hope he senses my sarcasm.
"That's great!"
There's the smile again.

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Does he not understand? 

He should've known the second I told him about me not allowed in the whole dating thing that there are gonna be things like this happening always. He can't blame me.

To be honest, Sarah made me realize. How different we are from each other, and I knew from the beginning that he's not the one. But I tried, to make him the one. 

What am I doing?

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what's this now? Jealousy? It can't be. It shouldn't be. Maybe it's just the thought that he still like her amazes me. A little too long, and too faithful.  Things have gotten complicated. Things that I can't catch up on in one night. Sleep over time? It's hard to keep up when no one tells me anything. Got tired of asking. Felt nosy. Felt like I was budding into their business. some place where I don't belong. Never have. Probably never will.

nights

veewang